|Sunset at April Point Resort & Spa in British Columbia. Sue Frause photo.|
I don't know where these email forwards originate from, but a native of Montreal who now lives in the Pacific Northwest sent me this one. Apparently it's from an international tourism website.
That in itself sounds a bit phony, but supposedly the questions are real ... and of course the answers are a joke. Thanks to all the Canadians who have such a good sense of humor about all this silliness.
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? EnglandA: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see polar bears in the street? USAA: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto. Can I follow the railroad tracks? Sweden
A: Sure, it's only 4,000 miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? SwedenA: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? USA
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your north...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Canada? USAA: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? EnglandA: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys Choir schedule? USAA: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? GermanyA: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada? USAA: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? Italy
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? USAA: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? GermanyA: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. USA
A: It's called a moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? USAA: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.